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Updated: Tuesday, June 12, 2001 11:54:44 PM
Local News:
Oslay Paliford disbands DeKalb, Sycamore, Cortland and creates new community named Ellwood City - declares himself Mayor: In a stunning move that has caught all local, state and national officials by total surprise, the mysterious Oslay Paliford has returned to DeKalb County to announce that he is disbanding the communities of DeKalb, Sycamore and Cortland to create Ellwood City. He has also named himself mayor of the new city (population est. 54,600).
Paliford parked his armored truck with a sign stating, "Oslay Paliford IS Mayor of Ellwood City," on the front lawn of the courthouse in what was previously known as Sycamore. This was done, apparently, in compliance with an obscure law written in the 1840s that says "anyone who parks within 100 feet of the county courthouse on or before 6AM on April 1 can consolidate up to three communities in DeKalb County... as long as they are willing to serve as Mayor."
Detractors are quick to point out that any law written in the 1840s would have to have meant parking a horse but Paliford has summarily dismissed these objections.
"This baby has a 300 horsepower engine in it," explained Paliford. "Case closed. Next question."
A spokesperson who claimed to be with the Committee to Elect Greg Sparrow but who wished to remain unidentified said that the candidate for the city formerly known as DeKalb probably admires Paliford for making a decision and sticking to it but added, "He (Paliford) can't do this, can he?"
Anonymous sources proclaiming to be with the Re-Elect Bessie Chronopoulos camp said that the current Mayor of the former DeKalb will probably appoint a fact-finding committee to look into this development.
Response from unnamed sources reportedly with the Re-Elect Jim Edwards (current Mayor, former Sycamore) camp was swift. "What Paliford has done is unprofessional and unbusinesslike. Anyone who believes this story is a fool."
Attempts to reach unidentifed sources within the Elect John Swedberg committee failed, except for one distant family member who did not recall Swedberg ever playing pool with Paliford back in the old days.
Someone reported that write-in mayoral candidate (of former Sycamore) Michael McVey kicked the dirt and said, "Aw shucks. Why didn't I think of that?"
Alleged camp members for the current Mayor of the former Cortland, Ben Suppeland, anonymously reported that Suppeland was somewhat intrigued by the idea. "If he would keep the name of Cortland, we just might be all for it," they explained, "After all, it would move Cortland from the third largest town in the state to first place."
Cries of opposition allegedly came loudest from unnamed sources within the Elect Carl Bocklund camp. "That truck looks just like some of the vehicles parked on Carl's property! We think the guy (Paliford) is a thief."
Paliford said that his top priority as Mayor of the all new Ellwood City is to consolidate.
"Look at all the money we would save by combining the school districts," offered Paliford. "It would have to be in the millions of dollars. Of course, even with the combined enrollment, Ellwood City High would still be the smallest school in the Upstate Eight Conference."
Other consolidation plans would be combining the Park Districts.
"Dave Emanuelson (DeKalb) and Mike Doty (Sycamore) are both pretty good directors," said Paliford. "Right now it's a toss up between them so I will probably have them compete in a one-on-one athletic competition of sorts to see who gets the top spot. Judging from the heights of those two, I don't think basketball would be very fair, but you never know."
One position in all the consolidation planned by Paliford that seems filled is in the new City's building department.
"I hear that a building permit can be issued in what was Sycamore in a couple of days max while it takes weeks and weeks in what was DeKalb. It sounds to me like John Brady (Sycamore) pretty much does the work of 10, 20 or 30 people. I think I will put him in charge," said Paliford.
Registered voters are urged to go to the polls, Tuesday April 3rd, in their, what could be, former communities of DeKalb, Sycamore and Cortland to vote for the legal candidates of their choice to put a stop to all this nonsense created on April 1st... just another day of life in DeKalb County.
Happy April Fools day. :-)
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